yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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