Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Someone shattered a urinal.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
