i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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