My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
