I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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