I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
