Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
