scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
