not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
