Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
