I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
