I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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