On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
