it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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