i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
