i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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