I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
