Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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