Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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