I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
