The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
