The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
