what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
