i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
