so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my shit smells like andre
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
