I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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