The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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