They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Damn victory sex feels great
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
