my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
