that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
