I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
