Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
