Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
