I could make wine with my vomit
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
