I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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