dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize