: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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