I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
