My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
