everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
