I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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