i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize