She went from zero to smokin in five shots
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
