How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
