I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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