Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it's like iHOP with fire
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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