I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
