I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
