then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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