DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize