Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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