sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
