I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
