This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
