how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize