I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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