Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
