You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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