This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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