Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
