The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
