I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
