my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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