she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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