So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
