I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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