I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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